the story of a girl: July 2002

26 July, 2002

I'm sooooooo tired right now, I have been doiing a lot of things this week gettings things ready for my sister's birthday party...Today I finally got the clothes I'm going to wear tomorrow night and at my cousin's christing in the morning, return the books my friend lend me and went to my painting class... and I did some painting when I got back home.... I am tired....
I don't have much more to say. Today besides what I already published earlier so have fun!

hi Alex,

I'm sorry I didn't sent it yesterday like I promise but I was soooooo tired . Anyways here it goes.

My depression wasn't caused by a person or by anything in particular. It was like a time bomb, I was frustrated with college, just returned from Canada and the cultural shock is really big, 'cause people here just get by they don't fight for their rights, being in law school and see that is really frustrating, and there is my low selfsteem problem, I'm really stressed and I always want to be the best, I have lots of issues, you must have noticed from the blog stuff...that I collected while growing up I have loving parents but my head is really fucked up ( I'm sorry but it's just a lack of a better and more polite word) and I was the kid that the other kids picked on 'cause I was really skinny. So it just blew!

Some people that read the weblog and get in touch with me say that have had or have some kind of depression. I gald you deal with yours alone. There are several kinds of depression, and sometimes it goes away sometimes you need help medicine and therapy to get by so you don't hurt yourslef. When I have my first crisis about a year ago I was on the edge about to break...

Depression is a very commowebloglem one in a group ofe three people have it, but people just don't talk about it , which is not good because depression is a sicknees like the flu or a broken leg, you get some medcine soome rest and you'll get better.... Is a little diffrent 'cause people can't see the simtoms they just don't belive you are sick, they look at you and say:"you are lying you are ok! you're just making a scene" I went thru that and a teacher told my mom she was lying and that my pshikrist was insane, and he is the head of the department in the best med school here in Bahia....Even my friends think I'm putting up a scene that's very frustrating....

See I talked about it!!!!

I told you already what I though about the FY right, thanx for telling me your story! Can I publish this e-mail like it is on my blog?

Talk to you soon.

Tiana

"Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet." "A paciêcia é amarga mas seu fruto é doce"
- Jean Jacques Rousseau

"UnPretty"

I wish could tie you up in my shoes
Make you feel unpretty too
I was told I was beautiful
But what does that mean to you
Look into the mirror who's inside there
The one with the long hair
Same old me again today (yeah)
My outsides look cool
My insides are blue
Everytime I think I'm through
It's because of you
I've tried different ways
But it's all the same
At the end of the day
I have myself to blame
I'm just trippin'
[Chorus:]
You can buy your hair if it won't grow
You can fix your nose if he says so
You can buy all the make up
That man can make
But if you can't look inside you
Find out who am I too
Be in the position to make me feel
So damn unpretty
I'll make you feel unpretty too
Never insecure until I met you
Now I'm bein' stupid
I used to be so cute to me
Just a little bit skinny
Why do I look to all these things
To keep you happy
Maybe get rid of you
And then I'll get back to me (hey)
My outsides look cool
My insides are blue
Everytime I think I'm through
It's because of you
I've tried different ways
But it's all the same
At the end of the day
I have myself to blame
I'm just trippin'
[Chorus]
[Chorus]
Oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh (oh)
Oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh (oh)
[Chorus]
[Chorus]

This song is really meaningfull to me 'cause I feel like people around me, boys, only judge me by the outside and that's really frustrating, I know I'm more than a body and I have brains and I have much more to offer than just looks, but it seems that looks it's all they want and I have to admit that it's what catch attention when you don't know the person.
Anyways...Two days ago I was talking to this guy and he told me why people add me in their list and don't talk to me:
the guy (12:36:44 AM): I think I can explain the Buddy list thing....why people add you but never say anything....
the guy(12:37:21 AM): well...at first,I thought you were in montreal...and I thought "damn this is a cool girl.."
the guy(12:37:29 AM): so I wanted to know you better.
the guy(12:37:35 AM): become friends...
the guy(12:37:46 AM): now knowing that you are so far away...
the guy(12:37:56 AM): what can possibly come from this relationship?
the guy(12:38:05 AM): the more we talk,the more I get to know you..
the guy(12:38:13 AM): the more I get to know you,the closer I want to get to you
the guy(12:38:28 AM): so people give up.
the guy(12:38:29 AM): it hurts when your so far away.
brasiliangirl81 (12:38:35 AM): so that's why people don't talk to me?
the guy(12:38:36 AM): avoiud the heartache
the guy*(12:38:38 AM): *avoid
*I changed his ID

Well what he said maybe true but I know Bryan, for instance for 4 years and he lives in Australia...So I guess that it is only true for people who goes online looking for dates not for friends I guess. And even when love happens online distace is not a big problem anymore, like it was in the old days, planes are faster safer, we have internet so we don't have to wait for letters....

25 July, 2002

This is a prt of my fist post, I'm publishing it agin cause many peple don't know how to look in the archives or are just too lazy to do so so here it goes. Oh I updated somestuff
Friday, June 07, 2002

I guess I should start by telling a little about myslef right? Ok, I'm 20, I live in Brasil in a city called Salvador the sate is BAHIA. I'm Law student I'm one semeter late because I had depression and I couldn't go to classes, but I'm better now. In the summer of 2001 (june/ july) I went to Montreal, Canada and I just love it and I'm intended to move there as soon as I finish my college education here in Brasil. I have a hard temeper but I'm sweet and I never leave a friend....people tend to think I'm concited when they don't know me but that's just because the way I look, once they get to know me they see it was all and mistake. That's why I don't like labels and to judge people by the way they look, but I have to addmit that it is a hard thing to do... and sometimes I can't help it...

well today was very cool did nothing all day they 4:30 pm Ihad a painting class which was good. te new meds are working finally...
Yestardy I was eating popcorn ith mym mom and who got some corn between her tooth and the gum... it got me thinking isn't it great when you have something stuck between your teeth and you finally get it out, it's such a realife!!! and it has the fases you go thru, first you try to get it out with your tongue, speacilly if you are in public, is good when you are talking to an annoying person cause you're so distracted with that pice of corn, meat, or wahtever stuck on your theeth that you don't even hear them talk. Then in fase you two you try to reach it with your finger, and by all means you can't... it seems that you always touch the wrong tooth....you look in the miror you try aigin and nothing so you give up and pick a toothpick (fase three) if you are lucky you'll finally get if out and feel that glouris feeling it's like your mouth is more roomy... of course you can get it done in fase one or two, but you can also go to fase four that is flossing... anyways you might get is out and it is really good when you get it! so next time you have something in your teeth, think you will have entratainment for hours and a good feeling when you take tha cow, orange, corn or whatever out of your mouth... DID THAT MADE ANY SENSE... IT DID TO ME

HELLO world this is me life should be fun for everyone but it isn't, is it???? I know it's been a while since you heard for me but I have been down a nd a little busy too! So let's catch up shall we?

JULY 21
I was very down so I stayed at home all day long... Watching Tv I can't remeber if I paint a new canvas today or if it was yesterday...nah it was yesterday. I cried a lot at night I had a big crisis and took a sleeping pill... Really exciting huh?

JULY 22
I went to my old high school to watch students take math (2nd year of high school), biology and write compsitions(1st year of high school)...To make sure they will not cheat. I wasn't paid this time 'cause it was like a training day but I will be next time, it was pretty fun actually!!!! When I got home I try to figure out a better schedule for my classes at college but I only got a new one besides the two Betha did for me. I called Alessandro and Alexandre to find out about the teachers and to catch up I haven't talk to them in ages!
Than I got home and in the afternoon I went to the shrink and he gave me some new medicine again!!!! Cause my crisis are too intense last night I couldn't stop cry even if I wanted too!!! Then we picked up my lil siter at school the big sister at work she stayed at her college with the car my dad picked us and we went to the beauty shoop. I had my nails done and my eyebrowns too!!!
Then after a stressting day finally got home!!!!!

JULY 23
Went to the mall in the morning to buy some make up and a pair of hairstylist sisors!!! To cut my mom and if my lil sister hair if she let me do it!!!!! Then got back home had some lunch and went to college to register, it was carzy because I was sure it was supposed to start at 2pm but it started at noon... I freaked thought my name has already passed, they have this list based on our GPA's, it's a very stressing process... then the scheduale I had in mind "went down the river" (translating a brasilian expression) because three classes out of six were already full, so I had to go with plan B, that has thiw huge gap between 8:40am and 10:40am on fridays and 2 classes on saturdays!!!! DAMN but what can I do. Then when I was two ames for being called this little bitch how was late want to get in and the rules are: people who are late get in in last, we got into an argument, she says: do you know something calleg higher GPA??? and I said do you know something being here ON TIME? So anyways I won 'cause I got first in and got all the course I wanted!!! Hahahaha. Then I went to the caterin house with my mom to hire her for my sister's 22 year old party the we went to buy some tuf to her party at the shop and then the supermarket.... My uncle, he is also my godsfather came here at night and we laugh a lot!!!!!!

19 July, 2002

hey guys I haven`t been writiing in while `cause my computer has finally crashed... some kind for virus erased my hard disk!!!! Damed. Well I got an e-mail from the friend of the owner of the copying blogger. eru seems very nice the writter in the other had in an idiot. Dear unyil now I haven`t said a bad word about you and you called me a complete moron, by the way thanx I love compliments! Of course I checked you archives and by the time there were non because your templetes were not this one... And dear thank you for your spelling advice but I`m not american, canadian, british or eglish native speaker for that matter, I`m BRASILIAN and for a brasilian my english is just fine... people who read my weblog knows that... and I can garantee that my english is way better that yours... you know what I don`t know I bother you`re not going to read this, I`m gald I pissed you off! Kisses hunny! And thanx `cause now I have more readers

17 July, 2002

oh yesterday I found a blog of a girl that is kinda of coping my blog style I worte a lot about it but when I push the post & publish button my computer got disconected so it was deleted or I don't know what happened.... Anyways. Just want to leave my protest here I think that is great that people read my blog and feel like writing too, like Patrick, but copying my style PLEASE!!!! Find your own style that's better!!! You might ask why I think she is compying me 1st - her blog is new mine is older than hers and 2nd- she wrote stuff like I did in mine, like "(useless) thougs and feelings..." and "I'm a hazard to myslef"....

I'm sooooooooooo BORED, today I'm even more bored than I was yesterday...AWWWW and I'm upset because my schedule at UNI will be a total CHAOS thsi semester and the was it looks it will take me 8 years to finsh my course, I can't put the subjects together and make a schedule with all the courses I whousld and have to take this semester HELL....That's why I hate my UNI it's all so complicated there....
Well the comment of today is something I saw in a movie: if nothing and nobody is perfect why do we spend so much time trying to be nothing and no one???? Think about it!!!

15 July, 2002

I just got my another reader e-mail!!!! YEAY!!!!!!!!!! Thank you Bram for your e-mail.... I was about to hit the reply button when I remeber that I promisse never to reply readers emails unless they ask me to...So i'm going to answer your questions here. Girls compare themselves to actresses and models because apart from moms that's the roll models we have. As children after babydolls we are given Barbie dolls (blond, thin, blue eyes, beautifull, rich, smart,young,tons of friends...she is perfect) so when we grow up and when we look at tv we see walking, talking, living Brabie dolls!!!!! We see the toys we wanted to be as girls are alive and so we want to be those women in tv, of course that we know they are real people with real problems but they do have everything in hand to be happy, they have the right stuff just not the right envoirment. I'm making anysense, are you getting it? Brytney Spears, Chritina Aguliera, Cameron Diaz, Gewneth Paltrow, Gisele... All Barbie dolls... I know that women are responsible for our own degradation as people... if we are mad because thin girls rule the beauty market just don't buy clothes from stores that use anorexic thin models for their adds... like Victoria Secerts, Armani, Ellus and so on. I mean why don't they use normal girls. It's easy to make outfits look good in thin extremely good lokking girls but if can look good in a regular girl with a regular not perfect body or face then you have a nice clothe... Too bad I'm the law buisness....

so whenever I go out I sit back and watch people around me and it's really werid the perception I have of life, I don't know if I'm insane or people is insane maybe we are all insane, a male friend or it was a guy hitting on me??? I don't remeber...he told me that everyone is insane but I was brave enough to admit it while everyone else was indenial...that was very sweet. Anyways it's werid how evryone one act try to look so cool, the girls with their boyfriends and them with their girls. The singles trying to draw some attention walking around laughing, looking busy...and the guys looking, just looking, boys in a mall with beers thinking "I'm the men 'cause I have a beer"...it's so pathetic... it's funny in bars because everyone one is there trying to find companie but they won't talk to each other so you go out with a bunch of people you already know, girls with some other girls, and boys with some other boys and instead of mixing up and meeting new people you just stay in a bar talking to people you already know. so I ask. WHAT'S THE POINT????? Brasilians didn't get the point of partys and going out to bars or to dance... that's why I stay at home.
Another thing I find outregous is guys that would hit girls when they are with their girlfriends....I mean HELLO??? Once I was with my bf (ex now) and this guy was with his gf and as we pass by he almost kissed me... I was like??? Thiago didn't you see that? and he didn't... I shouldn't broke up with him just then eh? .... anyways
This year I was on the beach with my parents and my lil' sister and we pass by this young couple they should be like 19-18, and the girl looked at me like she was rockin' cause she had a bf and I was alone but she didn't realise that as we got closer he heald her in a way that she was in front of him and since he was taller she wasn't in the way...she felt really good and really "loved" but I looked at him and he was staring at me smiling and looking at my body...and I thought poor silly girl, she don't know who she is dating with... and I tryed to remeber if my bf or the buys I've been with have ever held me like that... so I turned to my lil' sister and told her "never let a guy hold you like that and when he does look around or ask him where is he looking at", she understood right way, 'cause she saw it too....why guys are like that, I mean there must be girls like that too right but that's not my concern since I'm not one of them... I'm usually the girl fooled by the bf...I guess that whole thig didn't make any sense right? maybe Michelle understand what I'm saying, what I'm talking about.... someguys are just trash...

I wish I was really ugly and really fat. At least that way I would have an excuse for being alone, all I have to to is look in a mirror... I don't know if I can deal with a guy right now but my pride is hurt because that little thing called cell phone didn't ring and a guy I barely know the name didn't call me...What is worng with me, I'm not good enough? I'm never good enough... Maybe because actress are always perfect and we want to be like them, but then again I'm the one who want to be like them. I wonder if boys want girls to be like models and actress or they want us to be girls... I mean I know boys are not like in the movies, but sweet guys really are...some say those things. In fact male movie characters are more in touch with reality than female characters... I watch this movies today "things you can say just by looking at her" cool nonsense movie...about women. I could realate to their feeling towards life and ho you can never say anything about a woman just by looking at her, us, me. People say I look annoying and snob...but I'm really not, most of the time anyways, I talk about it already, didn't I?
So how I feel today about the world??? I feel like "I'm a looser baby so why don't you kill me", best Beck song ever... I like Moby's song "we are made of stars" but as the matter of fact as Pink says "I'm hazard to myslef"....
I drove my dad's FORD RANGER felt really powerfull, red finger nails, high heals... my sisters said I looked like a gangster....hehehehe

13 July, 2002

well, why guys ask girls phone numbres if they don't mean to call? Is like those people that add us in their ICQ, msn, Yahoomsg or whatever list and never talk to us again... that's just annoying I mean my Yahoo list sometimes is just huge and I don't even know who those people are because they add me as friend and never talk to me again or show up for that matter, then they show up " I FOUND you in my list (if I'm there is because he add me someday), do I know you?", after a stupid question like this I just answer " No you don't"... I mean DUH.... So after a week with no talking after I met them I just delete them. So I keep my list clean and only with people I really talk are in it. It's better to have a small list with true friend then a list with a zillion names of people I don't talk to, right? I don't really go for the more the merrier theory.

11 July, 2002

So I did went to the party stayed there for about an hour or so, I had some fun, not much. I guy asked to my friend to be introduced to me he is cute and nice but not quite my type... we'll se what happens.
I have a tale to tell. Once there were two guys bulding something then a third guy passing by asked the first guy he saw: "what are you bulding?" and he said "this wall, just a wall" and the other said "ok" he walked some more and asked the second guy "what are you bulding?" and the guy replyed: " I'm bulding a Cathedral!...." So I guess we should always try to build a Cathedral. no matter how small is what we do, it is important and it is our Cathedral. If we keep building walls we will never get anywhere cause they are useless, right? Am I making any sense? It's like those people that work in such a bad mood and treat people bad that's not good fr them or to anyone around them...

09 July, 2002

I HATE STAR WARS

my head is killing me, and I have this partty to go to in two day and I don't feel like going...I'm wondering what's my contribution to this world maybe when I have a child I leave something here but if I don't have any then what? Well a friend once told me that when we are born we cry and everybody else laughs and we should live our lives in a way that when we die we laugh and everybodyelse cries... I've been worried about finding a boyfriend but that blind date made me think how I'm going to tell anyguy I'm a siko that takes medecine and goes to shrink??? I'm better off alone I guess...
I also have a question: why YODA say evrything backwords? "BEGAN THIS CLONE WAR HAS" what is that about and why Anakin Skywalker (yeah right) got older and the princess or whatever she is, is still the same, please?????... anybody call George please. I could also use a DUMPA DUMPA I love when they sing....And those mice in Cinderella. I'm defenetelly Insane!

07 July, 2002

hello... I know it's been a while since I wrote something. It was a tough week for me but I don't feel like talking about it... I though that if I didn't have anything good to say it was better to be quiet and after that I got sick, really bad...I'm not sure if I'm ok. I really don't feel like talking. I could say cheerfull things or do as my theraphist say and "act like", it means I should act like I'm ok when I'm really not, he says people doesn't like to be around sad and depressed people. That's is true. But here is the only place I can say what I feel. So instead of make a fool out of myself and write what I don't feel or write sad stuff I'm just not going to write and I'm not going to be online much so if anyone wants to talk to me send me an e-mail or an offline msg.I'll be back when I'm better, untill then I'll keep it short. Take care.

the story of a girl

26 July, 2002

25 July, 2002

19 July, 2002

17 July, 2002

15 July, 2002

13 July, 2002

11 July, 2002

09 July, 2002

07 July, 2002

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